The prospect of fatherhood often triggers deep and uncomfortable feelings in men. Insecurities that may have been carefully buried until now suddenly burst to the fore. A common reaction is for a man to say, “I’m not ready!” In many ways, we never are ready – at least, not ahead of time. We become ready for fatherhood by stepping in and performing that role when the time comes.
Emotional awareness is important during this time. Unacknowledged feelings can subtly compromise our relationship with the child as well as with the other parent. We might think we are irritated, tired, frustrated, or angry when really we are afraid. Fear poses a lot of questions. “Will this baby take my place in my spouse’s affections? Will my own unresolved issues affect my child negatively? Will s/he suffer – from illness; from injury; from the stigma of being somehow different from others?”
This is only a small sample of the possible underlying concerns that may gnaw at each one of us as we face the prospect of first-time fatherhood. Unearthing the specific questions that pertain to you will help you to understand your own reactions. Armed with this knowledge, you’ll be better able to communicate your fears, hopes, concerns and dreams with a significant other and even with friends. Self-awareness is crucial throughout an experience such as this, when levels of excitement and anxiety may both be running high. Of equal importance is community: The network of family and friends who we can rely upon for insight, advice and empathy. We can take better advantage of our personal support network if we understand our own emotional reality and can therefore identify our real needs.
Emotional stability allows us to see the reality of the situation clearly. We can more easily discern the difference between pertinent questions and questions inspired by insecurity or fear. The relationships we may form during the early stages of our fatherhood adventure – with doctors, midwives, specialists, in-laws, etc. – can help us to the extent to which they bolster this sense of stability within us. Nurture those relationships that instill you with increased clarity and confidence and avoid those that only contribute to fearful thinking.
Fatherhood is an experience that few men feel ready for in advance. The best preparations we can make will encompass those activities that contribute to our mental and emotional well-being during this challenging and rewarding time. If we’re in a state of instability then even the most constructive information and advice may be misused. Stability and clarity, on the other hand, will enable us to trust ourselves enough to follow our instincts as we move into our new fatherhood role one careful step at a time.
Preparing for First-Time Fatherhood